Antaru, a teacher by profession, had been struggling with sleepless nights for months. Even though he was tired, he couldn’t fall asleep because his mind was always full of worries. The lack of sleep was making him feel drained, affecting his work and his family life. Antaru had always been emotional, but this time, his insomnia felt overwhelming. Wanting to find a solution, he decided to go to therapy for help.
The Therapist’s Questions Uncovering the Root Cause
Therapist: "What brings you here today, Antaru?"
Antaru: "I haven't been able to sleep for months. I lie awake, my mind spinning with worries, and even when I do fall asleep, I wake up feeling anxious."
Therapist: "It sounds exhausting. What do you find yourself thinking about when you're trying to sleep?"
Antaru paused. He hadn't really thought about it before—his worries were so scattered. He took a deep breath.
Antaru: "It’s everything, really. Work, home, life... but mostly, it’s my son, Ravi. He’s 20 now, studying at university, but lately, he’s been hanging out with the wrong crowd. I’m scared he’ll lose focus on his future."
The therapist nodded, encouraging him to go on.
Therapist: "I see. Can you tell me more about why that worries you?"
Antaru: "I’m afraid that he’ll make decisions he can’t undo. His mother is worried too. She thinks he’s wasting his potential. But for me, it’s not just about his future success; it’s about his safety and well-being. I feel like I’m failing him as a father. I can’t control his choices, and it keeps me awake at night."
Understanding the Thought Patterns
Through their conversation, it became clear that Antaru’s insomnia wasn’t just about a lack of sleep—it was deeply connected to his thoughts and emotions about Ravi. His fears for his son's future, coupled with a sense of powerlessness, were feeding a cycle of worry that wouldn’t let his mind rest. The therapist gently explained that Antaru’s emotional nature made it harder to let go of these concerns.
Therapist: "It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of responsibility for your son’s choices. How do you think your thoughts about him are affecting your sleep?"
Antaru: "I guess… I keep thinking that if I could just find a way to fix everything, I would finally be able to relax. But I can’t."
Therapist: "Exactly. You’re putting so much pressure on yourself to control something that’s out of your hands. It’s no wonder your mind won’t let go at night."
This realization hit Antaru hard. He had been so focused on worrying that he hadn’t noticed how much it was affecting his sleep and overall well-being.
Five Techniques to Manage Worry and Improve Sleep
The therapist then offered some practical techniques for Antaru to work on, helping him shift his thought patterns and manage his insomnia.
1. Re-frame Your Thoughts
The therapist suggested that Antaru re-frame his negative thoughts about Ravi. Instead of thinking, "He’s making all the wrong choices and will never succeed," Antaru could try, "He’s figuring things out, and setbacks are part of learning." This shift in thinking would help ease his anxiety, allowing him to approach the situation with more patience and a clearer mind.
2. Focus on What You Can Control
Antaru needed to recognize that he couldn’t control Ravi’s every decision. However, he could control how he responded to the situation. The therapist encouraged him to focus on supporting his son emotionally and being there for him rather than trying to control his behavior. This shift in focus can ease the feeling of helplessness.
3. Set Boundaries for Worrying Time
A powerful tool the therapist introduced was the "worry window." Instead of letting his worries consume him day and night, Antaru was encouraged to set aside 15–20 minutes during the day to focus solely on his concerns. Outside of this time, if worries arose, he would remind himself that it wasn’t his "worry time" and try to redirect his thoughts. This could help him contain his anxiety and free up mental space for more positive thoughts, especially before bed.
4. Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques
Mindfulness was another key tool. The therapist suggested that Antaru practice mindful breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation before bedtime. These techniques could help his body and mind slow down, creating a sense of calm that would make it easier to fall asleep.
5. Visualize Positive Outcomes
Lastly, instead of dwelling on worst-case scenarios, Antaru was encouraged to visualize positive outcomes for Ravi. He could picture his son learning from his mistakes, finding better friends, and succeeding in his studies. This would help break the cycle of negative thinking and create a more hopeful mindset, reducing his overall stress.
Shifting Parental Thinking Patterns
As parents, we often worry about our children's future and feel the need to control their choices, especially when they make decisions we don’t agree with. But it’s important to remember that our job isn’t to fix everything for them. Instead, we should guide and support them while letting them learn from their own experiences, even mistakes. By focusing on being there for them, rather than trying to control what they do, we can reduce our stress and help them grow into independent adults.
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